6. You Don't Get Me High Anymore - Phantogram
I think we can all agree that relationships are a contest.
Two people go jogging each morning. They've both agreed to be there, they're both in this together, they are, ostensibly, a team, but one of them will push to go just a little bit faster, and the other will grin and agree to keep up. And one of them will push on just a little longer, and the other will tiredly nod and keep running. Soon jogging will not be enough; they'll sprint to the next tree, then they'll speed a circuit around the park, then they'll be pushing their legs to carry them at maximum pace every time they lace on their shoes, until one day one of them stops, bends over, wheezing, and says: "I wish we could just jog. But we can't." And then they'll stop.
A relationship is a two people making a pact to chase the sun at ever-increasing cost until one of them slams on the breaks and stares wistfully back at the normalcy that is too far behind them to ever see again, while the other's lone silhouette breaks the sun-stripped horizon and is gone.
First it took one; now it takes four. I consulted the Online Encyclopaedia of Integer Sequences and the most common sequence beginning 1, 4 is the squares. The average length of a relationship in America is 2.9 years. Sarah Barthel is 33. Assuming it took 2.9 years to get from needing one to needing four, by the time she is 40 she'll need 25. That's far too many. You shouldn't need that many. You shouldn't need 25. Honestly, you get above nine you probably need to have a serious think. I honestly think she's right to get out now. The trend is pretty clear. If you're squaring your need every median period then call it quits before you find you and your significant other in shibari inside a see-through body bag on the end of a bungee cord jerking each other off out front of a police station. That's 25. That's what 25 is. 25 is police car bondage. Don't ever go 25. Four is good. Four is healthy. Four is latex body suits on the beach. That's hot, sure, it's going to get hot in there, and you're going to need a lot of talc, but that's manageable, that's something you can come back from. Stop at four. Four is a good place to stop.
You Don't Get Me High Anymore is my 6th best song of 2016 because it stops short of yelling "doughnut hole!" at a cop while your boyfriend fellates his truncheon.